Chapter 2: Praise Thy Offspring Syndrome (PTOS)
Have you ever been subjected to the supreme torture of hearing over enthusiastic parents gush about the accomplishments of their offspring? If not, consider yourself a part of a fast diminishing population my friend!
In today's day and age 'praise thy offspring' has become a practice adopted by all sections of society alike. This struck me as an epiphany last night while I was being bored to death by an aunt who seemed to believe that her daughter was the epitome of virtue with the looks of Audrey Hepburn and the brains of Shakuntala Devi. To me this easily qualified as a social disorder. Permit me to take the liberty of coining the acronym PTO syndrome (PTOS) to define this disorder.
As I mulled over this thought, it occurred to me that everyone around me was afflicted by either one of the two variants of PTOS. The first variant can be called 'Saas Bahu' ishness while the second could be known as 'Page 3' ishness. Allow me to explain with examples.
Exhibit 1(Page 3 ishness): Symptoms: Regular use of the following statements- "Our daughter/son is very career oriented", "Why does our daughter have to cook after she gets married, she has a job too you know. She will employ a cook", "Our daughter is so pretty that there is a line of suitors for her but we do not want to rush her into marriage.", "Our son is brilliant at his work, his supervisor just cannot do without him", "Oh what is our son/daughter not good at…they have tried their hands at everything: sports, public speaking, programming etc etc"….
One particular festive weekend I found myself at Mr. and Mrs. 'Page 3's house. To the naked eye it appeared as if they were as close to perfection as anyone could get. A plush bungalow in a suave locality, cushy jobs, a 24/7 on deck maid, a pretty daughter with a decent career and so on. However, as I got an opportunity to spend considerable time with them, I realized that Mrs. Page 3 was an obsessive compulsive PTOS patient. Her praises were occasionally directed at her own life but a major chunk was directed towards the awesomeness of her daughter. Her monologues ricocheted between her daughter's various qualities with such lightening speed that the poor victim (read me) was left dazed and gasping for breath. In her opinion, her daughter was a demi goddess who had never experienced acne, shyness, bad hair days and other similar growing -up pains. She was born perfect which essentially meant that she always always had perfect skin, shiny hair, best grades in school, lovely friends, perfect clothes, outstanding appraisals at work……..the list was never ending. It was amusing to note that anything and everything that was ever decreed to reflect culture and class had to be aped by her and her daughter As Cosmopolitan and Femina showcased feminism as the 'hip' new school of thought, Mrs Page 3 deemed it apt to tell me how her daughter was a great champion of women's lib. Similarly since reading as a hobby was synonymous with good pedigree she ensured that wherever her daughter appeared, she appeared with a book in hand The fact that the daughter would rarely express her opinion during a discussion as she was always too busy thinking about how she looked was never of any importance. So, how does one react when one is an unwilling audience to such rants? Is one expected to grin dumbly and nod in agreement or is one allowed to broach another subject which will not include opportunities to restart the rant?
Exhibit 2 (Saas Bahu ishness):Symptoms: Regular use of the following statements- "Our daughter is so fair that people mistake her for a foreigner", "My son has always been my support, he is such a mature boy", "My daughter's in laws cannot stop praising her for being so cultured and well mannered", "My daughter can cook, clean, shop, manage her career and do everything under the sun with such efficiency"
Meet the typical middle class Indian parents suffering from acute PTOS. Morally upright and many a times uptight, these parents derive pride from the fact that their children are supposedly balanced. In reality, these children are equally conceited and shallow as their Page 3 counterparts. They have grown up hearing their parents fawn over their 'accomplishments despite hardships'. A friend who belongs to this section of society couldn't stop regaling me with stories of her daughter who according to her is very pretty, solely by virtue of the fact that her complexion is milky white. In the same breath she glorified her daughter further by telling me how she can cook perfectly round and fluffy aaloo paranthas while doing stunningly well at her job. All this while the daughter sat right in front of us with an annoying smug expression plastered on her face. The Saas Bahu clan will shower adulations on their children for reasons spanning from a good spouse to an average career. I once heard an aunt whose daughter was as wheatish as wheatish can get, exclaim: "Arey meri ladki phoren jaake kitni gori chitti ho gayi hai!!!! Aap toh use pehchan hi nahi paayenge", leading me to suspect that the girl had resorted to Michael Jackson's solutions for a white skin. Unlike the children of the Page 3 clan, the children of the Saas Bahu clan are not born perfect but according to their parents have braved all hardships and achieved perfection.
If you notice, the underlying theme for symptoms of both variants of PTOS is the same- Praise Thy Offspring. On closer examination the content of the praises may be different yet the conclusion remains the same.
What is it that prompts parents to transform into live advertisements promoting their own children? Is it the constant societal pressure of self branding and acceptance? Or as my husband puts it-"Is it the fact that proving to the world that your offspring are brilliant indirectly reflects your brilliance as well". There is no doubt that children in modern times don't have it easy as at a very young age they are expected to master the art of marketing their skills in order to get accepted at a higher notch in the social order. In a highly competitive environment it is becoming increasingly difficult to find people outside the nuclear family who genuinely appreciate a task well done or a God gifted talent or hard-work while on the other hand it is common to come across people who are forever willing to prick your confidence. I believe this has led to the rise of a new breed of parents who find it necessary to publicly laud their progeny in order to protect and maintain their rather fragile self esteem. Gone are the days when parents were of the opinion that praising yourself or your children in public was crass and uncultured and only resulted in inculcating shallowness and conceit. Confidence was built over a period of time through equal doses of motivation, appreciation and healthy criticism . The poise and self assurance thus built was very difficult to crack and did not need the crutches of public applaud. Then, actions spoke louder than words while now it seems that words have become bolder and way more important than actions.
Have you ever been subjected to the supreme torture of hearing over enthusiastic parents gush about the accomplishments of their offspring? If not, consider yourself a part of a fast diminishing population my friend!
In today's day and age 'praise thy offspring' has become a practice adopted by all sections of society alike. This struck me as an epiphany last night while I was being bored to death by an aunt who seemed to believe that her daughter was the epitome of virtue with the looks of Audrey Hepburn and the brains of Shakuntala Devi. To me this easily qualified as a social disorder. Permit me to take the liberty of coining the acronym PTO syndrome (PTOS) to define this disorder.
As I mulled over this thought, it occurred to me that everyone around me was afflicted by either one of the two variants of PTOS. The first variant can be called 'Saas Bahu' ishness while the second could be known as 'Page 3' ishness. Allow me to explain with examples.
Exhibit 1(Page 3 ishness): Symptoms: Regular use of the following statements- "Our daughter/son is very career oriented", "Why does our daughter have to cook after she gets married, she has a job too you know. She will employ a cook", "Our daughter is so pretty that there is a line of suitors for her but we do not want to rush her into marriage.", "Our son is brilliant at his work, his supervisor just cannot do without him", "Oh what is our son/daughter not good at…they have tried their hands at everything: sports, public speaking, programming etc etc"….
One particular festive weekend I found myself at Mr. and Mrs. 'Page 3's house. To the naked eye it appeared as if they were as close to perfection as anyone could get. A plush bungalow in a suave locality, cushy jobs, a 24/7 on deck maid, a pretty daughter with a decent career and so on. However, as I got an opportunity to spend considerable time with them, I realized that Mrs. Page 3 was an obsessive compulsive PTOS patient. Her praises were occasionally directed at her own life but a major chunk was directed towards the awesomeness of her daughter. Her monologues ricocheted between her daughter's various qualities with such lightening speed that the poor victim (read me) was left dazed and gasping for breath. In her opinion, her daughter was a demi goddess who had never experienced acne, shyness, bad hair days and other similar growing -up pains. She was born perfect which essentially meant that she always always had perfect skin, shiny hair, best grades in school, lovely friends, perfect clothes, outstanding appraisals at work……..the list was never ending. It was amusing to note that anything and everything that was ever decreed to reflect culture and class had to be aped by her and her daughter As Cosmopolitan and Femina showcased feminism as the 'hip' new school of thought, Mrs Page 3 deemed it apt to tell me how her daughter was a great champion of women's lib. Similarly since reading as a hobby was synonymous with good pedigree she ensured that wherever her daughter appeared, she appeared with a book in hand The fact that the daughter would rarely express her opinion during a discussion as she was always too busy thinking about how she looked was never of any importance. So, how does one react when one is an unwilling audience to such rants? Is one expected to grin dumbly and nod in agreement or is one allowed to broach another subject which will not include opportunities to restart the rant?
Exhibit 2 (Saas Bahu ishness):Symptoms: Regular use of the following statements- "Our daughter is so fair that people mistake her for a foreigner", "My son has always been my support, he is such a mature boy", "My daughter's in laws cannot stop praising her for being so cultured and well mannered", "My daughter can cook, clean, shop, manage her career and do everything under the sun with such efficiency"
Meet the typical middle class Indian parents suffering from acute PTOS. Morally upright and many a times uptight, these parents derive pride from the fact that their children are supposedly balanced. In reality, these children are equally conceited and shallow as their Page 3 counterparts. They have grown up hearing their parents fawn over their 'accomplishments despite hardships'. A friend who belongs to this section of society couldn't stop regaling me with stories of her daughter who according to her is very pretty, solely by virtue of the fact that her complexion is milky white. In the same breath she glorified her daughter further by telling me how she can cook perfectly round and fluffy aaloo paranthas while doing stunningly well at her job. All this while the daughter sat right in front of us with an annoying smug expression plastered on her face. The Saas Bahu clan will shower adulations on their children for reasons spanning from a good spouse to an average career. I once heard an aunt whose daughter was as wheatish as wheatish can get, exclaim: "Arey meri ladki phoren jaake kitni gori chitti ho gayi hai!!!! Aap toh use pehchan hi nahi paayenge", leading me to suspect that the girl had resorted to Michael Jackson's solutions for a white skin. Unlike the children of the Page 3 clan, the children of the Saas Bahu clan are not born perfect but according to their parents have braved all hardships and achieved perfection.
If you notice, the underlying theme for symptoms of both variants of PTOS is the same- Praise Thy Offspring. On closer examination the content of the praises may be different yet the conclusion remains the same.
What is it that prompts parents to transform into live advertisements promoting their own children? Is it the constant societal pressure of self branding and acceptance? Or as my husband puts it-"Is it the fact that proving to the world that your offspring are brilliant indirectly reflects your brilliance as well". There is no doubt that children in modern times don't have it easy as at a very young age they are expected to master the art of marketing their skills in order to get accepted at a higher notch in the social order. In a highly competitive environment it is becoming increasingly difficult to find people outside the nuclear family who genuinely appreciate a task well done or a God gifted talent or hard-work while on the other hand it is common to come across people who are forever willing to prick your confidence. I believe this has led to the rise of a new breed of parents who find it necessary to publicly laud their progeny in order to protect and maintain their rather fragile self esteem. Gone are the days when parents were of the opinion that praising yourself or your children in public was crass and uncultured and only resulted in inculcating shallowness and conceit. Confidence was built over a period of time through equal doses of motivation, appreciation and healthy criticism . The poise and self assurance thus built was very difficult to crack and did not need the crutches of public applaud. Then, actions spoke louder than words while now it seems that words have become bolder and way more important than actions.
