Letters

Remember English class in school? Excerpts from famous books and plays served as lessons, the blue and red Wren and Martin tome taught complexities of grammar, poetry hardly made any sense and there was always the nagging urge to read all the stories in the textbook before the term started. The English test was always as predictable as a Karan Johar movie – Reading Comprehension, Grammar, Literature and Writing. Like many others in my class, I too composed dozens of letters to imaginary recipients and spewed hundreds of essays on timeworn subjects, hoping to score the most elusive cent percent in the Writing section. I remember those long gone English lessons, tests and the Writing section today by drafting the following missives:

A complaint to my high heeled shoes

Hello High heels,

I am sure you are warm and cozy in the pretty pink shoebox under my bed. Our last trip together was quite eventful but I must tell you that I am a little annoyed by your behavior. While it was somewhat vile on your part to lure me into dumping my faithful, feet-friendly flat pumps for your trendy Mt. Everest like elevated heels, what was even more exasperating was your attitude once I chose you. Just when I started feeling chic and in-style you tightened your death-vice, cutting all blood circulation below the ankles.

You squeezed my feet like lemons and I could barely feel my toes once you were done juicing them. You then clamped your jaws on them as if they weren't just feet but a couple of McDonald’s burgers. My feet have revolted against your tyranny by sprouting angry red welts all over and they have assured me that they will not get back to business if it meant having to cooperate with you! As if this wasn't enough, my calves are also supporting the feet-union and are gearing up by tightening their muscles and sending me signals in the form of sharp pain. I fear that it isn't long before my knees decide to join the rebellion.

I am terribly disappointed by your lack of concern and I am considering relegating you to the confines of your shoe box for eternity. Your smooth patent leather charm comes at a very high price which I do not wish to pay any more. I hope you find someone who can overlook the discomfort and appreciate your beauty nevertheless.

Regards,

-A disgruntled girl

A love letter to chocolate chunk cookie:

Dear Cookie,

I write to you today to express my deepest love for your sugary rich countenance. You have stood by me through many a rough patch and with this letter I wish to thank you for all your kindness.
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Your pretty brown face embellished with pieces of chocolate is a sight for sore eyes. With the right degree of crunch, your delectable flavor is just what I need when I am down the dumps. You are very dexterous too as you can be enjoyed with milk or tea, at breakfast, lunch or dinner, before a party or after one, to beat stress or to celebrate success and on many such contrasting moments. Pages and pages can be written in your praise and yet not suffice.

Even though I have been warned several times about your hidden evil persona – the one that ensures that each bite poisons me with infinite calories and sugar, making my heart let out a silent groan – I cannot imagine a life without you. How can someone so lovely have a malevolent side?

I hope you keep sweetening my life for many more years to come. I shall be your faithful patron for as long as I live.

Love,

-Me

Eviction notice to a pimple

Mr. Pimple,

You are hereby being notified to evacuate your current quarters i.e. my cheek within the next half an hour. As per the contract relevant to this premise, you were permitted to use my cheeks as a temporary dwelling during my teen years (from 1997 to 2003). However, you have been found prowling on the aforementioned location even today i.e. 10 years after your lease lapsed.

As a result of this breach of contract, my cheeks have filed a complaint against you and it has been decided that any further misdemeanor on your part would be treated as a serious offense leading to harsh punishment. I might consider subjecting you to a strong dose of clindamycin phosphate gel. Please be warned, your present good health and rosy-red, well fed appearance will get affected and you will experience lack of appetite, severe weight loss and even death as a consequence.

While I appreciate that with your presence you want me to believe that I have taken a dip in the fountain of youth and emerged frozen in teenage, I no longer wish to live this charade. I urge you to take this letter seriously and vacate the area which you have unlawfully occupied for over a decade now.

Your landlady,

-Me

A request to my curly hair

Hi Curlies,

I hope you are curling smoothly these days. You seemed pretty miffed the last time we spoke especially because you were down with the ‘frizz’. I know how terrible that can be especially with its signature symptoms like dryness and rough edges. Are you feeling better after applying the prescribed conditioner?

Well, let me get straight to the point. I was hoping you could do me a huge favour this week by behaving in an orderly fashion and not twisting and curling asymmetrically. I know you have a mind of your own and that you like to do as you please but I would be really obliged if you do as I tell you this time.

It is come to my notice that you do not like being tied in a tight pony-tail. Unfortunately I have to resort to doing so because letting you free is getting harder as you grow longer with each passing day. However, I am on the lookout for some good clips which would let me leave you free and at the same time maintain a semblance of order.

I also understand your aversion to these newfangled dryers for curly hair. It must be very difficult to have hot air blow right into your face after a shower. This is why I have decided not to invest in these machines and instead implore your good sense to help me look neat and tidy and not like a total hippy.

Consider this as an honest appeal to make life easier for the both of us. I hope to hear a positive response from you.

Thank You!

-Me